Rupture in Abstraction

There is a uniqueness in this tune
That only the past rhythm dictates
With even the discordant tones
Dictating a shift in movement

I go down to the very center
The pin point that is the crux of all
I feel the slightest of pinches
Disappearing into thick outer walls

The word loss is lost in this maze
Of branched out fragments whirling
Forming a pattern but hardly ever
Falling into place on the ground

The identity of the pinch
Belongs to traitorous intentions
Debilitating and scarring
But one with shallow roots

A soothing salve is out of reach
I avail of sand-dictated medication
Veering off into the tangent sunrise
Licking and struggling but moving

A Requiem

I originally put the answers to some questions here. Why put them in a post in the first place? Because, maybe I wanted them to be found eventually?  In case they put certain minds at peace, perhaps?

When I couldn't find a suitable answer, I chose to edit the post at the very last minute.

The answers will remain with me, instead. The person who holds the key to unlock them hasn't asked for them. It's just as well. They're of no consequence anyway. Besides, the moment has passed. 

Too bad, really. It wasn't supposed to play out this way. But, my resolve has been steeled by how events played out these last few hours.

The only thing I will say is that words are powerful. 

That day, I chose to be silent. I remain silent.

Of Weddings and Unintended Consequences

Photo courtesy of http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3d/Wedding_rings.jpg

This post will be in English.  Yes.  Strike three.  Almost fitting, if I'm going to be "out."  But I guess this is not the sort of outing that I was expecting.  Or maybe any of you are thinking.

I "lost" a best friend over the weekend.  Okay, so maybe lost is such a strong word.  Whatever the appropriate word is, one of my best friends got married.  This wasn't the first wedding I've ever attended.  Certainly not this year.  Heck, he was not even the first in our group of friends to get married.  And yet, there he was,  my best friend.  He used to be this awkward guy that everybody almost ignored.  But to me, he was the friend I sorely needed.  And that, he was.  And that night, he was the toast of the town.  I was proud.

Looking back, if I had told him earlier that I was coming, I think he would've asked me to give the toast for him.  I imagine what type of speech I would've given.  Something funny.  Something personal.  Something gut-wrenching and heartfelt.  And yet, I had to sit through some other guy talk about him and his relationship with a girl he barely even knew.  But that's all in the past.  I now look towards the future.

My friends, being the rowdy bunch that we are, kept on passing the ball, as it were, as to who would get married next.  I hadn't introduced a girl but I had reservations for two.  I should've been out of the picture.  But everybody kept harping on the possibility that I would be married next.  I agree with them wholeheartedly.  I'm ready to settle down.  It's just that, I really wanted it to be with a man.  But therein lies my problem.

I no longer hope that what I want is something that a guy can give me.  I was born and raised with a particular set of values.  I want a guy who understands that, and is willing to work with that.  And in my very core, I know that I can't change just like that.  After so long, I have yet to meet the guy who shares these same values.  I am not getting any younger.  Perhaps it is a just a pipe dream that such a guy exists.  If happiness is something that I can generate for myself without relying on externalities, I can be truly happy even with a "compromised" view of life.

Just like a bolt out of blue, tonight, I chanced upon Soltero's blog.  To be honest, earlier on, I avoided blogs like his like the plague.  I don't care for the sensationalized sex encounters or the blatant demonstrations of ego and libido.  I will keep further opinions to myself, as they hardly help further my point.  However, reading the last few entries, about his forays into the straight world, I couldn't help but feel that I understand where his sense of peace is coming from.

So what am I trying to say in this rambling post, exactly?  That I am back to where I started roughly 5 years ago.  I am back to the point where I said to myself, I may be like this, but I would still like to find a nice woman with whom I will build my family.  I will be the best father I can be.  I will provide for them.  I will lavish her with gifts and romance and all the best that I can muster.  I will strive to erase the habits the last 5 years have given me - meaningless glances, fabricated online personas, and forgotten names in my phone contact list.

Don't get me wrong.  I won't force it.  I'd still rather be forever single than be with somebody I don't love.  It's just that, this time, for the first time in 5 years, I'm more open than ever that my forever may not be with a guy.  It's not so bad.  Seriously.

Ang Pagtatapos: Pagpapatuloy

Photo courtesy of search.creativecommons.org

Nakakatawa ang YM ID ko.  Marami ang nagsasabing natutuwa sila dito.  Marami din ang naguguluhan kung ano ang ibig sabihin nito.  Sa katunayan, medyo di na siya applicable sa buhay ko ngayon.  Dati kasi, nung nag-iisip ako nung gagawing ID, naguguluhan pa ako sa sarili ko.  Labing-isang taon na rin ang nakalipas, dala-dala ko pa rin ito.


Mayroong 72 na contacts ang ID ko sa ngayon.  Marahil, marami pang iba akong nakasalamuha sa YM.  Pero di naman kasi talaga pala-gamit ng YM kaya medyo mababa pa ang bilang na yan.


Naisipan ko lang kanina na maglinis ng contacts.  Pinost ko ito sa aking YM status, at nagsimula.  Inisa-isa ko ang mga contacts ko.  Ang tanging batayan ko ay, kung nakakausap ko ba ito, o inaasahang kakausapin pa.  


Ang resulta?  26 na contacts ang natira.


Buhat na rin ng aking pag-announce, maraming nag-message sa akin kung sila ba ay napasama sa aking paglilinis.  Nakakatawa lang kasi, hindi nga sila kasama dun.  Natuwa naman ako kahit papaano, kasi nagpakita sila ng concern na di na nila makakausap.  Akalain mo nga namang may ganun pala.

Ang Pagtatapos: Unang Bahagi

Photo courtesy of http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_akHhV8VarxU/TIZnRHasmKI/AAAAAAAAAOk/V-0toTIMu5E/s320/images.jpg

At sa isang iglap, wala na uli akong PlanetRomeo account.  Di naman ito biglaan, gaya ng ibang nababasa ko.  Nagbigay naman ako ng palugit kahit papaano.  Pero kung di para sa yo, di talaga para sa yo.


Ang sarap pala ng pakiramdam.

Let the Games Begin

I'm writing in English today.  I'm breaking one of the big rules I set at the start of this blog.


It's just that I felt that something momentous had to be shared in the medium which comes naturally to me.


And so, with nary a bang nor a whimper, let the quitting games begin.


You win.