Luha

Video courtesy of Youtube

Isang patak ng luha.
Maraming balahibong tumayo.


Sayang at ito na ang huling linggo na sila'y magsasama.  Pero salamat.  Salamat.  


Ang ganda.

Of Weddings and Unintended Consequences

Photo courtesy of http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3d/Wedding_rings.jpg

This post will be in English.  Yes.  Strike three.  Almost fitting, if I'm going to be "out."  But I guess this is not the sort of outing that I was expecting.  Or maybe any of you are thinking.

I "lost" a best friend over the weekend.  Okay, so maybe lost is such a strong word.  Whatever the appropriate word is, one of my best friends got married.  This wasn't the first wedding I've ever attended.  Certainly not this year.  Heck, he was not even the first in our group of friends to get married.  And yet, there he was,  my best friend.  He used to be this awkward guy that everybody almost ignored.  But to me, he was the friend I sorely needed.  And that, he was.  And that night, he was the toast of the town.  I was proud.

Looking back, if I had told him earlier that I was coming, I think he would've asked me to give the toast for him.  I imagine what type of speech I would've given.  Something funny.  Something personal.  Something gut-wrenching and heartfelt.  And yet, I had to sit through some other guy talk about him and his relationship with a girl he barely even knew.  But that's all in the past.  I now look towards the future.

My friends, being the rowdy bunch that we are, kept on passing the ball, as it were, as to who would get married next.  I hadn't introduced a girl but I had reservations for two.  I should've been out of the picture.  But everybody kept harping on the possibility that I would be married next.  I agree with them wholeheartedly.  I'm ready to settle down.  It's just that, I really wanted it to be with a man.  But therein lies my problem.

I no longer hope that what I want is something that a guy can give me.  I was born and raised with a particular set of values.  I want a guy who understands that, and is willing to work with that.  And in my very core, I know that I can't change just like that.  After so long, I have yet to meet the guy who shares these same values.  I am not getting any younger.  Perhaps it is a just a pipe dream that such a guy exists.  If happiness is something that I can generate for myself without relying on externalities, I can be truly happy even with a "compromised" view of life.

Just like a bolt out of blue, tonight, I chanced upon Soltero's blog.  To be honest, earlier on, I avoided blogs like his like the plague.  I don't care for the sensationalized sex encounters or the blatant demonstrations of ego and libido.  I will keep further opinions to myself, as they hardly help further my point.  However, reading the last few entries, about his forays into the straight world, I couldn't help but feel that I understand where his sense of peace is coming from.

So what am I trying to say in this rambling post, exactly?  That I am back to where I started roughly 5 years ago.  I am back to the point where I said to myself, I may be like this, but I would still like to find a nice woman with whom I will build my family.  I will be the best father I can be.  I will provide for them.  I will lavish her with gifts and romance and all the best that I can muster.  I will strive to erase the habits the last 5 years have given me - meaningless glances, fabricated online personas, and forgotten names in my phone contact list.

Don't get me wrong.  I won't force it.  I'd still rather be forever single than be with somebody I don't love.  It's just that, this time, for the first time in 5 years, I'm more open than ever that my forever may not be with a guy.  It's not so bad.  Seriously.

Lambat

Video courtesy of Youtube

Ang So You Think You Can Dance na yata ang isa sa mga pinakapaborito kong Reality Shows.  Pero sa taong ito, naging masyado akong abala sa kung anu-ano na hindi ko man lang namalayan na nagsimula na pala sila ulit.  

Ang masaya nito, dalawang Pinoy (na lalaki) ang pumasok sa Top 20 sa season ngayon.  Sila ay si Tadd (na isang maayos din na mananayaw, tubong San Francisco), at si Marko, na nasa taas, tubong Guam.

Pero higit sa pagiging Pinoy ni Marko, napukaw ulit ang damdamin ko sa kantang ito ni Leona Lewis, na matagal ko na rin namang gusto pero nabaon ko na sa limot.

Ang masasabi ko lang, ang sarap sana kung may makantahan na rin ako ng kantang ito sa wakas.  Kahit ano pa man ang mangyari, sasaluhin ko siya.  Peksman.

I Got You

Leona Lewis

A place to crash, I got you
No need to ask, I got you
Just get on the phone, I got you
Come and pick you up if I have to

What's weird about it is we're right at the end
I'm mad about it, just figured it out in my head
I'm proud to say I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you, I got you

Ain't falling apart or bitter
Let's be bigger than that and remember
The cooling outdoor, when you're all alone
Won't survive it, no drama, no need for a show
Just wanna say I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you

A place to crash, I got you
No need to ask, I got you

Tiwala

Photo courtesy of https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsCs4-w30PnRuFKQVIxefhGm3zWGyQ52pTYkxIjXMKSfnBSpX29v54ZxkGKUj9_2GVZk6Z6-xtXK1otNTudRpNwIDsfjO6Wru1F5TJ8Vzz1HYQTktz5XNIacttcfRswcoMbhmE12C6SF-X/s1600/IMG_1042.jpg

Sabi nila, ang tiwala hindi hinihingi.  Ito'y binibigay nang kusa.  Kaya siguro mahirap na rin oras na nasiraa na ang tiwala.  Mahirap, o di kaya'y imposible nang buuin ito muli.

Nitong nakaraang linggo, may mga nakakausap ako na nagpaalala sa akin tungkol sa kahalagaan ng tiwala.

Yung isa, nagkaroon kami ng kuro-kuro tungkol sa pagbibigay ng pangalan.  Oo na't mahalaga ang pangalan sa pakikipagkilala.  Ang problema, maraming mga bagay ang nakakakabit sa pangalan.  Nariyang ang reputasyon.  Ang mga nagawang mabuti o masama man ng tao.  Nariyan yung tinatawag na personang pampubliko ng tao, ang pagpapakilala niya sa nakararami.  Pero, kung tutuusin, hindi ito nakakadagdag sa pagkilala mo sa tao.  

Para sa akin kasi, mahalaga na makilala mo yung tao muna.  Paano siya pag unguarded siya. Pag akala niya walang nakatingin.  Paano siya kausap.  Paano siya mag-isip.  Ito ang makakatulong sa pagkilatis mo kung siya ba yung tipong tao na gusto mo pang makilala nang lubusan.  Hindi na mahalaga kung ano ang tunay niyang pangalan.  Tsaka, sa panahon ngayon, oras na nakuha mo na ang pangalan ng tao, andali na lang para i-stalk siya gamit ang Google at kung ano pang mga pamamaraan.  Shino-shortcut mo ang pagkilala sa tao.  Hindi ito mainam.

Kaya napasok ang tiwala dito kasi nabanggit ng kausap ko na ibig sabihin lang nun, wala pa akong tiwala sa mga nakakausap ko.  Tama naman siya.  At doon ko nga unang nabanggit ang mga salitang, "Trust is not given.  It is earned."  Kunwari lang marunong ako mag-English.  Hehehe.  

Yung pangalawa naman, nag-uusap kami tungkol sa kanyang nakaraan.  At dito rin naman napatunayan ko na mahalaga talagang nakikilala mo ang tao, at hindi ang kanyang reputasyon lamang.  Sa pagkukuwento niya kasi, maayos ang kanyang buhay.  Nagtatrabaho kung saan marami siyang natutulungan.  Marangal ang kanyang pamumuhay.  Matalino din siya.  Masarap kausap.  At, higit sa lahat, matagal sila ng nakaraan niyang ex.  Umabot sila ng higit isang dekada.  Okay na talaga.  Nabubuhayan na ako ng loob na may pag-asa pa pala ang mga kagaya natin.  Hanggang sa tinanong ko kung bakit sila naghiwalay.

"Nagloko ako," sambit niya.  At doon na gumuho ang kanyang sandamakmak na pogi points sa aking paningin.  Ang pinakamahirap na gawin ng mga taong nagtaksil sa isang relasyon, para sa akin, ay ang malinawagan kung bakit sila nagtaksil.  Mabuti sana pag nalaman nila kung bakit.  Magagawan na nila ng paraan ito para hindi na maulit.  

Kaso, hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong nakikilalang cheater na nakapagpaliwanag sa akin ng ganun.  Madalas, ang mga nakakausap ko, ayaw na umulit dahil natatakot sila na masaktan ang kanilang mga magiging mahal sa buhay.  Okay ito pansamantala.  Kaso, pag dumating na naman ang pagkakataon (at malamang, darating talaga ito), at hindi pa nila nagagawan ng paraan ang dahil ng kanilang pagtaksil nang una, mas gagalingan na lang nila ang pagtatago ng pagtaksil.  

Tinanong ko ang kausap ko kung sa tingin niya maaulit pa ang pagtataksil niya, kung sakaling magkaroon siya ng bagong relasyon.  Sagot niya, "Hindi ko alam."  Hanga ako sa pagiging honest niya.  Pero hindi ito nakakatulong sa pagbabago niya.  Marahil, darating din ang oras na magbabago siya.  Sana.  Para na rin sa kanyang kapakanan.

Marahil isa yan sa mahabang listahan kung bakit ang tagal ko nang walang partner.  Idagdag mo na rin siguro diyan ang kawalan ko ng itsura at charm.  Hehehe.  Pero, mas pipiliin ko pa talagang maging single kaysa magkaroon ng relasyon na huwad.  Ke open man yan o closed.