Sunday, September 11, 2011


Photo from AJ's Twitter Account:

I never met AJ.  In fact, I hardly knew the guy.  Save for the fact that I read his blog, which was one of the first gay blogs I ever read.  I found him inspiring in a way especially since what he wrote about resonated with me.  I found out about his condition in MGG, one of the first gay blogs I read, too.  I don't remember where I found out that AJ had passed on.  All I know is that, I felt a certain sense of loss with his passing.  I know what I feel can't possibly compare to what his family and friends must be feeling.  Still, I would like to think that, like a "familiar stranger," he was a part of my life.

Before I move on, I would like to point out that his family is asking for volunteers to contribute to a fund for him.  Details can be found here:  If you have something to spare, then please do contribute.  It will be much appreciated.

As I did not know AJ, I can't conceivably write a tribute.  Instead, I will focus on an aspect of his life that touched mine: his blog entries.  Today, I would like to recall something he wrote last year, just as he was about to turn 28.  He died two days shy of his 29th birthday this year.  This post is something that I have long held true.  Never mind that I will probably don't share his "over enthusiasm" for one's finer qualities.  The thought is still there.  With his passing, the search for love in my life has been given a whole new perspective.  AJ, when all this is no more than just a passing dream, I will shake your hand.

Why No One Wants to Date Me

I'm single and happy.  I'm single and it's a choice.  

I used to think that having a boyfriend was the be-all and end-all of my being gay.  I used to sleep around too much thinking that I would finally find that someone who can make me happy.  After  few failed relationships and used condoms, I finally found that person – MYSELF!
I have since realized that the only person who can give me happiness the way I want it, is no one else but myself. So now I’m overflowing with love and happiness – from myself, my friends and my family.  There is nothing wrong with being single.  I am a single, content, confident and happy woman, err man.

So here’s one thing I realized this year:  No one wanted to date me because I was so full of myself.  My online dating profiles intimidated many. Why, you ask?  Read the following contests (written in 2006) from one of my online profiles:

I just want to find that someone who can make me feel needed and wanted, while at the same time make me want and need him. I want to find that someone who can shut me up with a kiss whenever I go on rambling and talking relentlessly. I want to find that someone who can laugh at me and laugh with me. I want to find that someone who can tell me pointblank and in an in-your-face manner that I am wrong, if I ever am. I want to find that someone with whom I can face each and everyday with hope and a wanting for a brighter day ahead. And I just want to find that someone who, without any explanation, or beyond reason, can look me in the eye and tell me he loves me… (or that I am a jerk, if this need ever arises).
If you get bored easily with a hell of a lot of text, then you might wanna skip this. I talk a lot and I often speak my mind. I can be very shallow and extremely deep when it comes to conversations. I can talk about anything and everything under the sun (sometimes I make sense, sometimes I don’t.)
I have the tendency to want to be needed. Sometimes, I have the “Savior” complex. I just want to save the world, or at the very least, people. (But we all know this is not possible)
I am a man who:
*loves a good laugh
*is kept alive by humor
*believes that everything happens for a reason.
*is a people-pleaser
*loves subjecting self to martyrdom
*smokes. Lucky Strike Filters.
*can be a snob.but can be friendly at the same time.
*at times is a loner. but blends in with any group of people.
*loves coffee
*has no regrets in life
*is straight-acting and discreet
I am also a man who:
*hates liars and pretenders.
*hates people who ask for passwords when they can’t give you anything short of a g4m default no-pic profile site.
*f***ing hates missed calls.
*hates people who do not have face pics to offer (i have to see the facade that holds your brain. I wanna see your eyes so I may be able to see through to your soul)
*gives more value to a face picture than a naked one
*hates social climbers

And that’s just the About Me portion. I used to believe that I was so good a catch that I had the gall to require the people who asked me out to subscribe to my standards. Some of these things are still true about me until today. But now, I don’t really care much, if at all.
At one point in my life, I came to realize that the universe did not, does not, and will never revolve around me.  And that's when it finally hit me: no one wants to date an intimidating prick like I was before.

1 comment:

  1. wow! that was a good read...i dont know him much either...i dont read his blog much...pero this particular post was really great.

    Thanks for sharing this :-)