Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Of Weddings and Unintended Consequences
Photo courtesy of http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3d/Wedding_rings.jpg
This post will be in English. Yes. Strike three. Almost fitting, if I'm going to be "out." But I guess this is not the sort of outing that I was expecting. Or maybe any of you are thinking.
I "lost" a best friend over the weekend. Okay, so maybe lost is such a strong word. Whatever the appropriate word is, one of my best friends got married. This wasn't the first wedding I've ever attended. Certainly not this year. Heck, he was not even the first in our group of friends to get married. And yet, there he was, my best friend. He used to be this awkward guy that everybody almost ignored. But to me, he was the friend I sorely needed. And that, he was. And that night, he was the toast of the town. I was proud.
Looking back, if I had told him earlier that I was coming, I think he would've asked me to give the toast for him. I imagine what type of speech I would've given. Something funny. Something personal. Something gut-wrenching and heartfelt. And yet, I had to sit through some other guy talk about him and his relationship with a girl he barely even knew. But that's all in the past. I now look towards the future.
My friends, being the rowdy bunch that we are, kept on passing the ball, as it were, as to who would get married next. I hadn't introduced a girl but I had reservations for two. I should've been out of the picture. But everybody kept harping on the possibility that I would be married next. I agree with them wholeheartedly. I'm ready to settle down. It's just that, I really wanted it to be with a man. But therein lies my problem.
I no longer hope that what I want is something that a guy can give me. I was born and raised with a particular set of values. I want a guy who understands that, and is willing to work with that. And in my very core, I know that I can't change just like that. After so long, I have yet to meet the guy who shares these same values. I am not getting any younger. Perhaps it is a just a pipe dream that such a guy exists. If happiness is something that I can generate for myself without relying on externalities, I can be truly happy even with a "compromised" view of life.
Just like a bolt out of blue, tonight, I chanced upon Soltero's blog. To be honest, earlier on, I avoided blogs like his like the plague. I don't care for the sensationalized sex encounters or the blatant demonstrations of ego and libido. I will keep further opinions to myself, as they hardly help further my point. However, reading the last few entries, about his forays into the straight world, I couldn't help but feel that I understand where his sense of peace is coming from.
So what am I trying to say in this rambling post, exactly? That I am back to where I started roughly 5 years ago. I am back to the point where I said to myself, I may be like this, but I would still like to find a nice woman with whom I will build my family. I will be the best father I can be. I will provide for them. I will lavish her with gifts and romance and all the best that I can muster. I will strive to erase the habits the last 5 years have given me - meaningless glances, fabricated online personas, and forgotten names in my phone contact list.
Don't get me wrong. I won't force it. I'd still rather be forever single than be with somebody I don't love. It's just that, this time, for the first time in 5 years, I'm more open than ever that my forever may not be with a guy. It's not so bad. Seriously.